I did not visit anyone due to it being the holidays, but I do talk to my father everyday about my sick grandmother. And from talking to him I see that I am happy that my father does not take me up there to see her. I do love her and want to let her know how much I love her before she died, but I know I will not be able to look at her and deal with that fact that she is dying. So that showed me how even though she is dying and ill all me and my dad can think about is how we feel.
From talking to him I said to really see how we don't want people to see us ill, or other people don't want to see us ill. We try to hide the fact that we are dying. Most of us want to act like if people don't see us and act the way they do we will forget that we are sick and that things will be better. I learned that some of us are a little more ok with death and ok with sharing that trip with everyone. That there is nothing to be scared of, but shouldn’t we be scared. Why should be not be scared of not moving, thinking, eating and loving again?
From talking to Beth and her trip with her husband dying I never think I could do that. Because when you come down to it I selfish. And we all are, we just don't want to say it. I could not look at them as they turn into nothing and never mind that they have to look, feel and think about dying. I could not tell them it is going to be ok when I know that I am lying even when they are hoping they will. I can't be there and just have the thoughts of things while in a few seconds, months, years they will be dead. I could not think about them because I would be busy thinking about myself. And not meaning to but it just happening.
So from this unit I learned that I not ok with death and that most people aren't. I can't stop it or change when it is going to happen. Nor can most people tell people that they are dying. But then most we can do is just live life and tell the ones we love that we love them.
Bryanna,
ReplyDeleteI am struck by the fact that you don't want to see your grandmother before she dies. I understand that it is difficult to deal with and witness, but in some ways don't you think that you want a few additional moments. You did talk about feeling selfish about your own feelings which is an honest point well taken,perhaps you can think of some act that you may be able to do for your grandmother before you never have the opportunity again.
Do you speak to your grandmother on the phone?
I know that my last months with my grandmother were difficult for me and my children, but they were also important and quite meaningful.
All the best.
I like how you really opened up in this post. and you took all the ideas about peoples reactions to death and illness that you've learned and connected it back to yourself. Great job
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